Dear Suzi,

What do I tell my adult college daughter who wants to come home for the summer with her live-in boyfriend? I don’t agree with her living arrangements or with her choice of a boyfriend. Because of my faith I believe that sex before marriage is wrong and I have raised her that way.

I Need Advice

Dear “I Need Advice,”

Regardless of how this discussion is handled, love must prevail and the freedom to come home for unconditional love must always be available. Besides the “faith factor,” you do have a very legitimate concern for your daughter’s future. There is the risk of many negative outcomes: STD’s and emotional consequences such as regret, shame, depression or a broken heart. There is also the very real possibility of an unplanned pregnancy at the wrong time and with the wrong guy. Both the physical and emotional consequences of living together could change your daughter’s life forever.

I would encourage you to write a letter to your daughter. This gives you an opportunity to express your faith and ensures that you don’t express yourself in a way that you don’t really want to. It also adds a little more weight and importance to what you are communicating. However, if your grown daughter has rejected your faith, don’t attempt to force it on her at this time. At this point in her life, she’s more likely to be influenced by how you live out your faith than by your words in a letter. You could write something to this effect:

Dear Daughter,

Thank you for wanting to come home for the summer. I know that as a caring daughter you are sensitive to my beliefs and values. I am looking forward to your visit and meeting your boyfriend again.

You are now my beautiful grown daughter and I have allowed you to pursue your own direction and choices through life. I need to make one condition though, when you visit, and this is that you and your boyfriend sleep in separate bedrooms while you are staying in my home. I promise to resist the temptation to offer parental advice or express my concerns with your current living arrangements.

While I am concerned for your future, I love you very much and look forward to having you home for the summer.

Love,
Mom

Again, always be showing your daughter and her boyfriend that the outcome of your faith is the desire to emulate God’s gracious love, forgiveness, and mercy. Let your words, tone of voice, and facial expressions communicate this to them both.

I hope this helps,
Suzi